The Amazing Race 16 – Episode 2 – I’m A Walker, Not A Runner

[MaxxFisher]

I’m A Walker, Not A Runner

Greetings my loyal minions, Maxx Fisher here,

I really like doing these articles. They’re fun and I enjoy the feedback. Plus it allows me to rant, which I do out loud anyway so writing it down gives my wife a bit of a break. But I am having a bit of problem writing these this season. Immediately after The Amazing Race airs, The Tool Academy is on VH1. Have any of you ever sent this? It might be the most amazing show that has ever existed. And this year they have added female tools! AMAZING! I can think of 2 female tools I’d like to nominate for the show. One is named Carol and the other is named Brandy. But more on that later.

This episode the teams were going to be staying in Chile. Although they would be taking about a 67 hour bus ride to get where they were going. While the teams were leaving for the bus terminal Carol & Brandy decided to make an alliance with Joe & Heidi. Am I the only one that sees the irony in the lesbians making an alliance with the Wangs?

This did not go over well with the other teams when Joe Wang was the first at the bus terminal ticket window and held a spot for Carol & Brandy. In fact the only team that was happy about this was Carol & Brandy. Now I don’t have any problem with teams forming an alliance, but you can’t save spots. That’s some 3rd grad bull$#!t. Well The Wangs & Carl & Brandy got the last 2 tickets on the first bus that took the teams to Puerto Varas directly. Dan & Jordan, Monique & Shawne, Louie & Michael and Steve & Allie get a bus that leaves 2 hours later. Jody & Shannon get a bus that leaves an hour after that. Jeff is frustrated with the line and suggests that they, he & Jordan and Caite & Brent, take a bus that connects through another city. The Cowboys, Jet & Cord get this advice from a one of the local ticket agents. So Jeff & Jordan and Caite & Brent get their tickets from one window & the Cowboys get theirs from an entirely different place. If the connections go well they will arrive in Puerto Varas at 1am, 5 hours before any other team.

But this is the Amazing Race and things very rarely go well. The 3 separate frontrunner teams arrive at another city to catch their connecting bus, but it turns out that Jeff & Jordan and Brent & Caite are at the wrong bus terminal. The Cowboys found this out but didn’t day anything because they were at the right terminal and their bus was leaving in 30 minutes, while the other 2 teams only had 10 minutes to get to another terminal across town. Jeff & Jordan and Brent & Caite found this out and raced across town to catch their bus but missed it and then raced back to the first terminal to catch the Cowboy’s bus but they missed that one too. All was not lost, there was a bus leaving at 1:00 a.m. so they were going to arrive at Puerto Varas before most of the teams.

Well ‘m not going to drag this out, but the Cowboys flew through the rest of this leg of the race. Even though there was a bunch up right before the Detour, they were still far ahead of all the other teams. They came in first at the mat and won sailboats. The Cowboys won sailboats, they looked just about as excited as Jeff & Jordan were when they won a trip to Canada. But lets not ignore the rest of the teams.

Even though they were in second place the entire race, the Wangs are just so, so boring. They just exist, like clouds or bad pizza. Carol & Brandy are just so, so annoying and they get more annoying the more I see them. All they do is complain about how they aren’t in some sort of 5 star hotel and that the challenges don’t somehow involve shopping. Also Carol wants to beat Caite & Brent because it would be a moral victory. What the hell? She is demented.

There were a great challenge and couple lame ones. The detour was hot & cold. Cold being the challenge for the teams to dress a llama in a blanket & a scarf, which most teams did. The better challenge was the one where the teams had to dress as condors and then don some sort of tandem condor glider, jump off the end of a pier and get a clue from a floating bouy. Jeff & Jordan, Caite & Brent and Steve and Allie did this challenge and once they reached the end of the pier they flew like a 500 lbs. brick. Great challenge. The Roadblock was even lamer. One member of each team had to run around a farm and gather ingredients for a traditional cake recipe. Milk, butter, sugar, flour and a baker’s dozen of eggs. I think they threw this challenge in to throw off Caite & Jordan assuming they wouldn’t know what a “baker’s dozen” was (which Jordan didn’t).

One great moment in this episode involved cars. Last week Jordan, male Jordan of Dan & Jordan was mocking Caite over her horrible, but hilarious pageant speech. You know he was basically telling all the other teams how stupid she was. Well this week he attempted to drive his car with the emergency brake on. Glass houses jerk, glass houses.

The other great moments of the night came from the cows kicking people. It was hilarious…until the cow kicked 73 year old Jody. Then you worried she might have internal bleeding and the funny ended. Let me just say that having Jody as a grandma must be great, if you are Shannon. Jody announced on television tonight that Shannon was the grandchild she was closest too and the one she admired the most. So to the rest of Jody’s grandkids, you might as well give up. Also what was going on with the cows’ asses that they had to be blurred? On second thought, I don’t want to know.

Louie & Michael, the 2 undercover cops who’s lives depend on their powers of observation got lost because they could not see a giant sign on the side of the road. It took some help from Jeff & Jordan for them to find their way. That must have stung. So it was a race for second to last between Team Cop & Team Grandma. Louie & Michael were quite frantic at the end, while Jody & Shannon remained perfectly calm. Maybe they should have turned up the energy level because they came in last, a position they were in for almost the entire race. So only 2 more boring teams to go and we can have some interesting/annoying teams left. I mean 3. Wow they are so boring I forgot about 1 of the boring teams.

Here is the finish mat arrival breakdown
1 Jet & Cord
2 Joe & Heidi
3 Carol & Brandy (moral victory achieved)
4 Caite & Brent
5 Monique & Shawne
6 Jeff & Jordan
7 Steve & Allie
8 Dan & Jordan
9 Louie & Michael
10 Jody & Shannon

I leave you with this, my plummeting condors, is it possible Brandy & Carol will kill each other next week? Has their lack of spa treatments finally pushed them over the edge? I know I just said moments ago that there were boring teams that need to go, but Brandy & Carol are annoying as hell and I want Caite & Brent to last longer in the race than they do. You know, as a moral victory.

Later Minions

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If you've got that burning itching feeling after reading this you can contact me at Maxx@tvfunspot.com
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[Synnamin]

Yes, it does give your BEAUTIFUL wife a break! lol! Jordeff, Cowboys and Team Beautiful rock my world! So much fun while the rest just are there. I loved the Condor Challenge so much! Seething <3<3<3! Great recap honey!

[angelfan]

Great article. I agree about holding spots. I know I am a J&J fan but holding spots is wrong in any kind of race and should be against the rules for everyone. I don't care for the Wangs or the Lesbians though it feels so wrong to actually type out Lesbians like it's their last name or something. Hey, did you see The Lesbians at the block party? Why yes, did you notice The Lesbians new roof? Just wrong.